When I first got married, I like many who may read this today, had a box full of desires that I came to the wedding altar with.

Desires to one day purchase a new home.
Desires for when and how many children I wanted to have.
Desires as to how I would like to schedule quality time with my wife.
Desires for how I would like to save and spend our money.

And yes, I even had a desire as to what I ALWAYS wanted to see my wife wear to bed! I was convinced that Victoria Secret was going to be a staple in our marriage forever.

But after six years of marriage (our anniversary was just this past weekend), I found out something very interesting about many of the desires I had prior to getting married.

All of them have one common denominator: the letter “I”

Every desire that I had grown up thinking would be a core value of my marriage was rooted primarily in what “I” wanted and desired to see happen. And at first, nothing seemed to be wrong with that kind of value system.

Our wedding ceremony was incredible.
Our honeymoon was unforgettable.
Our first home purchase was essentially a snap.
And the birth of our first child was indeed nothing short of magnificent.

But over time, something significant happened. In fact, it happens to marriages all across this nation every single day. Perhaps it is happening to you right now.

The values I had coming in to marriage, many of which I thought were great values to have, slowly became something they never should have.

They became EXPECTATIONS.

Somewhere along the way, the desires I had about what my marriage was going to be like became an expectation, and whenever a desire is confused with or transformed into an expectation, the dynamic of one’s marriage will drastically change.

For example: When a husband no longer ‘desires’ for his wife to assist with the cleaning of the house, but rather ‘expects’ her to do so, he (over time) may no longer become a husband to her. But rather her master.

Or (as another example) when a man no longer ‘desires’ for his wife to wear romantic lingerie to bed, but rather ‘expects’ her to, he (over time) may no longer see her as his wife. But rather his ‘releaser.’

(I was going to use a different word there, but I think you get the point)

As men, married men, we must realize that it is very easy for us to be us. It’s just how we are wired as human beings. There is never a time where we wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, and just have a sense of urgency to say to ourselves:

“Okay now, remember, be you.”

But what we must strive to remember, is that our spouses are not us. Our desires, while they seem to be comparable when we first get married, are not always the same. Yet when we convert our personal desires into expectations for our wives to constantly adhere to, we fundamentally alter what God intended for our marriages to be.

The following passage of scripture is one I had read several times before, but after reading it again last week, the words written here struck me like a ton of bricks.

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with washing of water by the word, and that He may present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.” – Ephesians 5:25-27

For six years, my wife has met, and more often than not, exceeding all of my desires and expectations as it relates what a good and loving wife should do. And yet, despite all of her attempts to make me happy, I realized that I was entirely more focused on what she was doing, but not becoming.

I forgot that she also (prior to marrying me) had some desires as well. There were some lifelong dreams that she had that were not being fulfilled because her duties were confined to meeting someone else’s expectations.

She was not being ‘presented’ as a glorious church by her husband.
But rather busy ‘building’ a church and sanctuary for her husband.

Friends, that is not why Christ came.
And that is not what marriage is all about.

I encourage you today to do something a great friend and mentor of mine once shared with me years ago: “Always INSPECT what you EXPECT.”

Men, it is time we begin to inspect some of the expectations we have placed on our wives, and be sure that they are truly aligned with what God desires for our marriage to be founded upon. Our self-centered and selfish hearts must be broken once and for all. Our wives must no longer be held captive to fulfilling our desires.

They must BECOME our desires.

		Milan Ford has been a leader (and survivor) of ministry within the local church for most of his life. A lover of Red Vines Licorice and all things pointing North, Milan is scheduled to release his first book, 83 Things I Wish The Black Church Would Stop Doing, later this fall (2009). You can find Milan rambling and writing at at ThePewView.com.

© Milan Ford all rights reserved.