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What’s Missing In Your Parenting?

By Dr. Cynthia James

Published: November 13, 2011

Parents take entirely too much credit for how their children turn out.

On three occasions this week acquaintances were heard to lament or comment about the actual or feared results of their parenting skills. The first young Asian mother of a 12 month old had tears welling up in her eyes as she passionately explained “I’m afraid that the Lord would seriously get me if I bring anymore children into the world. I might be unleashing some serial criminal on society.” It took a second to see that this twenty something believer was earnestly expressing her heart as she quivered from her sense of parenting inadequacy. Somehow she had leaped more than 20 years and saw the makings of wantonness in her barely walking toddler. Irrational “Yes”, but uncommon, “No”. This powerful small group bible study leader and dedicated first time parent was looking for patterns of obedience based discipleship in her pre-potty trained toddler. Huh???

The second parent was a middle aged African American mother who sat crying at her office desk not from worry as one might suspect. Instead, she was releasing years of pent up worry after finding out that her adult son really was grateful for the years of church training he had received as a child. This discouraged mother had stumbled on a face book entry her adult son had made and one could see the fears entertained over the decades that had shackled her joy. While the tears were tears of joy they painted a heartbreaking picture of over-commitment and a need to have trusted the Lord. My elation for her was tempered only by knowledge of the obvious burden this mother had carried.

The third parent was a 30 something Caucasian mother of two teenagers who after a year of disappointing job lay-offs, and the repeated colds, flu , and sports accidents of her children was full of what sounded like resignation. With Solomon like wisdom she sighed and said “I just have to learn to trust God for and with my children just like I trust him for myself.” There it was, right in front of all of us, but just needing to be said. An Olympic sized light went on as everyone saw that their well-intended but over the wall conscientious parenting efforts were really expressions of doubt and inadequacy. After all, our children are loaned to us but ultimately they belong to the Lord.

Best parenting practices are not to be maligned, but trusting the Lord is much more to be preferred. Feeling the stress of having both she and her pastor husband losing their jobs, the third mother like the other two parents was no doubt feeling the stress of these uncertain times. This mother’s words metaphorically allowed her to sink into the lap of the Lord and be His child trusting Him with her children. This was not resignation but a choice to embrace confident faith over cringing fear.

Why is it so difficult to trust God for what we can’t see in our future? When confronted with a failing social situation at the wedding of Cana, Mary the mother of Jesus gave clear concise instructions when the wine ran out to the host’s embarrassment. “Whatever he says do, just do it”. It couldn’t be any simpler than that. We follow the Lord’s commands, do the best we can and that settles it. Mary was saying give the whole messy, unpredictable, embarrassing situation to Jesus. Whether we’re dealing with obstinate toddlers, overwhelmed teenagers, or adults who finally come back like the leper to say “thank you,” it’s all in God’s hand. Give the whole messy, unpredictable, potentially embarrassing situation to Jesus. So what’s the word? Relax and enjoy the parenting roller coaster. Scream when everything is plunging downhill and catch your breath between steep falling dives. Before you know it – it’s over and you’re entertaining the thought of another ride.

What appears to be the empty containers of today are the lives of our children, who are more like waiting vessels being prepared to contain the best gifts of God, i.e. the wine. We can neither see nor identify all of the seeds of greatness buried in your sons and daughters. If only we all would be assured in the early years that they will turn out all right.

We’ve heard it for what seems like eons, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it” (Proverbs 22:6). It’s a true statement, not some placating quip. Parents, let’s do our part to train the children but simultaneously we must find a posture of confidence that hears the Lord saying, “I’ve got this one”.

© Dr. Cynthia James. All rights reserved.

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